It is my second winter in the valley, my home. Holding the Kangri in my hand sitting with my loved ones. What a precious moment. The opportunity to be with my family once again to sit below the Chinar tree to see my children grow. I never thought that I will be able to return to a normal life of love and care again. I stayed on wrong path being influenced by some local political and religious heads. Peer pressure added a push. The social and economic conditions these people create brainwashes youths like me to follow the worthless path of Jihad that these people choose for us. Maybe we are also equally responsible to listen to their false propaganda.
My name is Bilal and I signed up for ‘Jihad’. I don't want to be among the names and photographs of dead people I know. Some whom I knew from childhood and some whom I met when training across the border. I was fortunate that I realized the nefarious plans of the Pakistan as who threw us on paths which destroyed not only our lives but also our families. Today when I sit looking from the window of my house, I realise how foolish I was to be played at the hands of these people. The destruction of my youth started from the path which use to take me to the Masjid of my village. Initially everything was fine but slowly Khuda ka Ghar became place of Sermon for religious brainwash centre for youths. Instead of reciting the Koran and understanding the path of peace our young curious minds were diverted towards false propaganda. Showing India as an enemy and the army our arch enemies our young minds were instilled with the idea of hating them. The seeds of hatred were sown by speeches where we were told that we are specifically targeted and the government wants to finish us. Our women are in danger in hands of this Kafirs. In order to protect our women their self-respect and our own dignity we have to answer them with violence. We need to take up arms and target each and every man women in Uniform. We have to make sure that we mercilessly suppress and torture any support that they have among people. False stories of how our innocent brothers were killed tortured were told to us to make our blood boil. The Glamour in taking up arms and how young women from village will be attracted to us was one of the other tactics used by them.
Time and again they used to fuel the feeling of hatred with stories of violence torture rape to fog our minds in believing that these things are actually happening. We are victims. We were brainwashed to such an extended then other than feeling of hatred there was nothing left in us. The seeds of Jihad were sown from here where it was said that it was Allah's work that we were doing and we will be granted Jannat. We will be Shaheed for the cause of Azzadi. Now I repent and think if I would have kept the hatred aside and given a thought carefully life would have been different for me and my family. I crossed over to POK had training in arms ammunitions, making of IED. After 1 year of training when the commander of the militant outfit was satisfied that I am ready. I was asked to enter Kashmir. I was given task of destroying a CRPF bunker. We had local support of some of the villagers and thus after a year I was back to destroy my own birth land. We were a group of 4 people who entered from dense jungles of Hajipir mountains from Handwara side entering through Rajasthani Forest. Our local contact met us there and we were taken in a house to hide. We revised the plan as when and where to strike. Our local contact has done the Recee which was a big help. In the month of November when snow had just started, I did the 1st attack of my life. There was lots of resistance from the troops and they were not easily giving up. We were finding it difficult to complete our mission. We thought maybe be we should move back but then 1 of the person from our group started lobbying grenades after grenades destroying the bunker. After tasting our 1st success, we went back to POK. We were full of admiration for ourselves that we have contributed to jihad we have taken revenge for loss of lives of our brothers
Months went by and I was part of several groups who targeted security forces. I started enjoying the killings. At times we were at upper hand and sometimes we had to run for our lives. Then the day came which changed my life for ever. We were told to target a Army camp and since now I was apple of the eye for the commander I was given the responsibility to lead. We had planned around 2 months before the D Day. Entry exit route vehicles logistics everything was planned. Our local support and others everyone was delegated work and we moved according to the plan.
On the day we had to hit the Army camp I felt unwell still I went ahead with the plan. We had made 2 groups to maximize the damage to the camp. We entered through the back route of the camp which was covered with dense jungles. But before we could understand there were volley of bullets fired. The alert sentry at the post detected the movement of the 1st group. Fierce gunfight took place for nearly 3 hours. The second group attacked from a different point. We had turned into robots and just wanted to kill everyone. From a distance I heard a whizz and 1 of the bullet pierce my shoulder and I fell down. I was struggling to get a safer place in between the exchange of gunfire but was finding it difficult. I was shouting to my other comrades to help me but in vain before I knew all of them had ran away leaving me bleeding at the hands of mercy of those whom we came to kill. At that moment between life and death I understood what wrong path I had chosen. I thought this is my end and I cannot change what I had done but at least I can apologize may be upar wala mere gunhaoo ke liye thodi se rehemat aur mafi baksh de muje. Just before closing my eyes and felling unconscious I just remembered few words that I uttered Maaf kardena muje Jeena hai
When I opened my eyes, I was in hospital and looking around I saw few men in uniform. That day my eyes opened to a new world of love care and forgiveness. I soon realized that I was saved by the same men I had gone to kill. I had tears rolling down my eyes. Doctors came to check upon me and then I saw the face of the angel who had saved my life. He was the same officer who I saw before getting unconscious. I was a ‘A’category militant with a bounty at my head. Killing me would have brought laurels to the officer and the unit. The officer chose humanity and forgiveness. He didn’t think the medal was worth killing an unarmed injured person who was asking for his mercy and forgiveness. I fell on the feet of the officer and was inconsolable.
Till today I remember the words of the officer which changed my life. He said Bilal this is your second life. I know you have done a lot of wrong things and you will be punished for it. The day you fell unconscious at my feet asking for forgiveness I saw a human being in you who was repenting his mistake. I felt it was my duty to give you a second chance. You are a well-educated person. Use your expertise in making a difference to the lives of youth here. Guide them and show them right path. The mistake you had done in the past don't let the youth of today repeat the same. You have been there and seen all how you were used. When their work was done, they didn't care if you live or die. Allah has given you an opportunity make use of it. Jihad is not spreading violence and hatred killing people. It's making yourself better with demolishing all bad vices and spreading peace and love among everyone. It's true meaning is helping people guiding them on right path. That day i understood the true meaning of the word. Before leaving the officer said Bilal we are Indian Army we will punish you for your wrong doings but at the same time when you surrender we will give you 1 more chance. Keep in mind this chance is given in good faith the day you even think of going on that path again I will be the first person to shoot you. Never forget this.
I served my time in prison and now have become a reformed man. I teach at a local school and motivates youngster towards getting better education and making career for themselves. I give them my example how I wandered on wrong path aimlessly and how a messiah saved me and gave new meaning to life. I'm content with this life now. God has chosen me to spread happiness and guide people from not going towards wrong path
I am Bilal and my Jihad is not against India but it is against people who want to divide us. It's against the false propaganda spread by people who safely sit in their palatial houses. Their kids enjoy best comforts of good life higher education and a sparkling career. I am the light who wants to ignite the junoon of education, love, peace and a better life for my young brethren of Kashmir.